What Not to Get Your Valentine for Valentine’s Day…

I recognize this is a stressful week for everyone in a relationship. What exactly do you get that special someone for Valentine’s Day? There are a lot of variables: length of relationship, individual tastes, the next step for the relationship, and of course, the amount in your checking account.

In an effort to be helpful, let me offer this list of things not to get your significant other for Valentine’s Day (thank you Google for the assistance provided in making this list).

If your Valentine is male, do not give:

  • A cat.
  • A scrapbook filled with memories from your relationship. He will say “Oh” and have no idea what to do with it.
  • Any movie that has a male actor better looking than him. Which, of course, means any movie.
  • Anything stuffed (a deer he has killed is acceptable).
  • Flowers. Really, do I even have to include this?
  • Pajamas. Men only wear pajamas when they are sick. Pajamas will make him think you think he is sick.
  • Ties. Ties send a subliminal message that you want to choke him to death.
  • A box with a note telling him his gift has come yet. Go to the Dollar Store and buy something. Inside, men are like little boys – they want to open presents!
  • An outfit. It reminds him of the Christmas when all he got was clothes. That was the Christmas he knew childhood was over.

If your Valentine is female, do not give:

  • Anything that plugs into an electrical outlet.
  • A gift card to a restaurant. This says, “I can’t stand to your cooking, you make me sick.” Wrong message.
  • Any giant stuffed animal. This is allowable for middle schoolers. After middle school, all giant stuffed animals do is take up space in the closet. Women would prefer that space be used for clothes. The stuffed animal is on the curb for the garbage man in three weeks, tops.
  • Anything kitchen related. This sends the message, “I think women belong in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant.” Wrong message.
  • Shoes. Women enjoy looking at hundreds of pairs of shoes. They enjoy asking your opinion. They do not enjoy you depriving them of the exquisite agony of shoe shopping.
  • A pink gun. Any woman who seriously wants a gun, wants a gun that is camouflaged, or has a composition stock or has a high quality wood stock. A pink gun might result in you being the first target.
  • Fake jewelry. I know the guy at the story said she’ll never know the difference. She will find out. I don’t know how. It’s a gift women have.
  • Fake flowers. Nothing says a cold heart like cold plastic daisies.
  • A gag gift.
  • A gym membership or a Weight Watchers gift certificate. Instant fail.

So what should you give your significant other for Valentine’s Day?

Valentine’s Day is one more reason to pray for God’s guidance in all things.

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